Paula and Jewel's Awesome Shounenai Undertaking
by Al Kristopher
Summary: Preceding everyone else, the two Razril knights attempt to begin a movement that may forever change the course of the Suikoden world. Naturally, everything goes awry.


Paula and Jewel's Awesome Shounen-Ai Undertaking 

By Al Kristopher

One hundred fifty years before Cleo, Sonya, Chris, Yun, Millie, Meg, or anyone else ever started any kind of wacky quest, two wonderful young women began a movement that would forever shape the foundation of the Suikoden world. There was no great fame to their person, no reward for their outstanding precedent, and generations afterwards would soon forget what they had done—but to do it first and best was reward enough. The women in question were the energetic Jewel and the noble Paula, sisters-in-arms in Razril and Na-Nal, both destined to work together for this single purpose.

Unfortunately, they started the wrong movement.

…Not that there's anything _wrong_ with it!

…………

"Shounen-ai!" exclaimed Jewel one seemingly-ordinary day (and now we all know it will deviate completely!). Paula, the only other one in the room with her (by sheer, staggering coincidence), was taken by surprise. Jewel could be a little energetic at times, but never—well, not usually—had she ever uttered such nonsense at such times. It begged for inquiry, and the steady mind and hand of Paula was perfectly suited.

"What?" And sometimes, brevity was the soul of… something or other.

"Don't tell me it's never been an observable occurrence," said Jewel, almost playfully. "You've certainly seen events here on this ship that would lead you to make such conclusions."

"Forgive me, Jewel, but I don't know what you mean." That was not ignorance feigned, but it was also not _not_ curiosity. Or whatever.

"I'm talking about the boys here!" she said. "Like Sigurd and Hervey! You ever notice how they're always together?"

"Yes, their job requires it."

"_Suuuuuuuure_!" she sang. "They're _required_ to be together! I get'cha! And let's not forget Tal and Keneth!"

"They work together too, with us," reasoned the elf. Jewel just continued smiling.

"And what about our dear companions, Hero and Snowe? And Axel and Jeremy! Rakgi and Basil! Yu and Trishtan! Ted and Aldo! Reinbach and Charlemagne! Need I go on?"

"No, you don't," answered Paula very honestly. "And I still do not understand what you're getting at."

"Man-love, my friend!" she exclaimed. "It's what the people call man-love! Yaoi, in Elvin terms; shounen-ai in Harmonian! Come on! _You_ know!"

"I honestly think it would not benefit me to know," said Paula thoughtfully. Her friend ignored her and stood up, dominating the room with her bursts of spirit.

"Like I said, there are examples all over this boat, right? So many, in fact, that it could very well lead up to its own fan club! But in order for anything to prosper, it needs to grow—and who better than the people who appreciate it to fan its flames! Paula, I'm talking about a support group—a yaoi support group, with women in it!"

"I… see," she managed. "But would it not make more sense to have the men you mentioned leading it?"

"No!" sang the human. "See, that's the beauty! Women would appreciate it more, right? And I bet we can have more girls in favor of our movement than anyone else! Okay, look: you and I are gonna start this movement, and we'll go around this entire ship looking for people who'd like to join us. By the end of… oh, I don't know, this week maybe, we'll have enough of a group to start a legitimate fan club and be _heard_ across the sea! They may even start something like this in the Scarlet Moon Empire!"

A pause permeated the room as Paula considered the very subtle irony of it all.

"Jewel?"

"Yeah?"

"I think… you have been out in the sun too long. Why involve me? I'm not interested."

"Paula, I need you." Jewel sat back down, where Paula had been all that time, and took her hands in a very non-yuri movement. "I need a woman I know and trust in this endeavor, and you're the only one that fits that description."

"What of lady Katarina?"

"Oh, she had a thing for Commander Glen and you know it!"

"Actually—"

"It's just us in this endeavor!" interrupted Jewel. "Just you and me, girl! So come on! Whaddya say?"

"Do I have a choice?" sighed the elf, posing a question and an answer simultaneously. Jewel completely ignored the statement and dragged her friend away, out of the room and towards the heart of the ship. Their first stop, they figured, was to nip things in the bud and target girls at their youngest… and there was one place on the ship where young ladies converged the most: right in the game room, second deck.

Unbeknownst to Paula or Jewel, the title of their adventurous tale was about to change…

Rita, Noah, and Rene's Outrageous Shoujo-Ai Quest 

By Al Kristopher

"I have a question—a matter of curiosity and some importance."

"Okay," said Rita to Rene's words, "but why the formality?"

"This is formal?" she questioned. "I'm just describing the character of the question."

"Go ahead, Rene!" squeaked Noah. The treasure-hunter nodded and posed her query.

"Well, how much do you think people would like me if, for this year's Winter Festivities, I sent everyone a great big fruit basket with coffee mugs saying 'Rene Rules' on them?" A pause.

"Less."

"More.

"Less!

"More!"

"Less!"

"More!"

"You know, that's funny," murmured Rene to herself, "because I did something similar for Universal Lover's Day recently: I had these disgustingly large, gargantuan baskets just ludicrously overloaded with stuff that I gave out, and I didn't get thank-you card one for them!"

"See!" sang Noah smarmily. "Less!" Rita snorted.

"Bah." Rene scratched her head and Rita pouted, leaving Noah to smile. Just then, Jewel and Paula came up to them from the stairs, looking rather happy and eager.

"Excuse me, girls?" addressed Jewel. "Might we have a moment of your time?"

"Sure! What's up?" Jewel stood before the girls, happy and smiling and ready to make a sale.

"Well, Paula and I were talking, and we think that it's time for a change."

"Actually," interrupted the elf, "I do not believe we agreed on that."

"Right, right. Anyway, we're starting a new club called 'Yaoi Appreciation', or 'Shounen-Ai Love', or 'Girls who like guys who like guys like they're girls'. We still don't have a title, but we're working on it." A pause.

"Umm, yeah."

"Anyway," blurted Jewel, "we wanted to see if we could recruit some more women for our cause. Naturally, we believe that all women deep down want to see two beautiful men being beautiful together, so where better to start than here!" The young trio looked at each other awkwardly for a time, not really sure how to respond. Noah, perhaps the more outgoing, squeaked up first.

"Um, well, I think you've came to the wrong place, guys. It's not like we wouldn't want to help you… we just… don't think that way."

"Why is that?" asked Paula placidly, as if she were hoping for that response.

"Well…"

"What Noah is trying to say is…" said Rita, trailing off for a second, "well… we're not into that sort of thing."

"Oh!" Paula smiled (leaving Jewel to express the opposite), and clasped her hands together in joy. "So are we addressing young ladies who seek preference in the classical, tried-and-true, reliable male-female pairs?"

"Nnnnn… nnnno."

"Oh?"

"Then what's left!" wondered Jewel. Even Rita shied away from an answer, and Noah just kicked the floor as she hung her head. Rene, the least outgoing, realized she would have to answer in their stead. _Great_.

"We like… each other. That is… Rita and Noah are more than just best friends to me."

"Uh, yeah! We like, like each other, ya know?"

"And that's the whole truth!" squeaked Noah happily. Paula looked only slightly disappointed; Jewel looked like she had just been informed that stewed rat was on menu for supper.

"You mean you're…"

"NO!"

"Whoa! Okay… then what?"

"We're not in the actor's guild!" blurted Noah. "So don't think for a minute that you can call us thespians! It's a dirty, shameful word, and it makes us shiver just thinking about it!" To demonstrate, all three girls shuddered in disgust, leaving both older women pondering.

"Um… we weren't going to call you thespians. We were…" (And now, of course, the knights realized that they had a Cool Hand Luke situation, and nearly laughed.)

"I think there has been a failure to communicate," said Paula quietly. "We did not mean to call you amateur actresses. We just believed, from what you told us, that you were… oh, um… how should we put this best, Jewel?"

"Sapphic Students," said Louise from the bar—rather deadpan, at that. The knights became flush.

"Ah, yes, that will do."

"But we don't have this Sapphic person as a teacher," said Rene innocently. Paula and Jewel exchanged bewildered looks.

"Um…"

"My friend," said Paula quickly, "I do not think our, err, crusade will find much advancement here. Let us leave these nice, cooperative young ladies in peace and search elsewhere."

"Uh, yeah," she managed, "good idea." Stiffly, the older knights left the three mischief-making girls to themselves, and acted upon their word. Noah scratched her head in confusion.

"What was that all about? It made me dizzy!"

"Yes… and who do you suppose this Sapphic is?"

"A teacher, no doubt," answered Rita. "But what would they teach?" The girls shrugged and resumed their games, and Louise shook her head.

…………

"What a bust!" exclaimed Jewel in aggravation. "I can't believe we ran into three les—uh, potential you-know-whats on our first try!"

"Let us try to stay calm," reasoned Paula, though she hoped her companion would quit her search. "Those three girls probably did not mean what you think they meant. I am sure they will mature and their ideas will change in time. We should probably look into an older crowd anyway."

"Yeah… you're right," said a more optimistic Jewel. "You're right, Paula! We can't give up before we've even started! Surely a more mature person would appreciate what we're doing! But where do you think we should look next?"

"I think we should seek whomever on this ship is most likely to agree with us," reasoned the elf. "I can personally omit lady Flare, as well as those we just spoke to—perhaps miss Mizuki might…"

"Oh yeah! Akaghi and somebody else… wow, that'd be so hot!" Jewel nearly drooled as her eyes sparkled, and together they (or "she", really, since Paula was dragged away again) ran towards the upper deck in search of the devoted ninja, who they happened to see quite often. However, when they finally got all the way there, a surprise awaited them…

The deck was bathed in beautiful blue and white, with glorious wooden brown below to give the world a contrasting yet welcome visual flavor. As Jewel and Paula emerged from the inside of the Obel ship, they spotted Ramada and Akaghi talking quietly—but no Mizuki. Their leader Hero was taking a break from exploration and fighting and had not asked the ninja to accompany him anywhere, and she rarely left the deck anyway, so…

"Jewel," said Paula urgently, "I believe I found her."

"Where?"

"The crow's nest," she pointed, using her Elvin vision. "However, I do not think you will like what you see."

"Nonsense," she said, and the knight was off to Nico's post to borrow his looking-glass. When she came back, she extended it and peered up on high, and cackled in triumph as she spotted the blue flash of Mizuki's apparel. Her face turned pale, however, as a very familiar flash of red also crossed her vision.

"What the…? Hey, isn't that—?"

"Yes, it is," answered Paula quietly.

"Then… our adventures must be renamed… again!"

"To what?" Jewel frowned and sighed.

Mizuki and Flare's Cool Shoujo-Ai Expedition 

By Al Kristopher

"To that," she answered.

"Oh. Well, I suppose one cannot assume everything from a person. I didn't believe lady Flare would support either motion, but apparently that was incorrect. Yet to perform those actions with a person she barely knows…"

"Mizuki handed her a letter," stated Jewel in deadpan—she was clearly disappointed. "That's qualification enough."

"And you think they love each other based solely on _that_?"

"Mm-hmm. I've seen less feasible reasons elsewhere. I'm surprised we didn't catch them in the act!"

"Then," said Paula shakily, "I suggest you do not direct that spyglass towards the direction of the crow's nest again—at least not for a long time."

"What!" Jewel did, of course, but luckily, an item of clothing fell right over her face and the glass. She muffled out a cry and shook the thing off, becoming flush as she realized it was Flare's outer red jacket. And a sock.

"Oh, _god!_ You've gotta be kidding me!"

"I told you not to look," sighed Paula. Jewel snorted and nearly threw the spyglass to the ground in anger (Nico and Wendel would've been enraged, of course).

"Jeez! What is this? What's going on here! I mean, those three girls I can understand, kinda, but to pair up two perfect strangers on the basis that one of them handed the other a _letter?_"

"It's deplorable," agreed Paula silently. "And I think we should move on, unless you'd like more pieces of clothing to rain down." Of course, as she said that, nearly everything that had once found a place on Mizuki or Flare's body fell to the surface rather roughly, most of it landing right on top of the aggravated Jewel. With unmentionables atop her head and shoulders, she fumed and snorted. Paula calmly removed one rather long stocking, grinned sheepishly, and guided her friend elsewhere.

…………

With a repulsive _ding_, Manu's elevation device dropped the lady knights off on the third floor of the massive Obel ship. They stepped out amidst the commerce section of the vessel, complete with kitchen, armory, appraisal, rune and smith shop, and even the bath. Above the roar of people in the large room, they could hear the systematic rhythm of Adrienne's hammer striking iron and steel, and felt oddly at peace.

"Looks like we can take a break here," said a more relieved Jewel. "I'm gonna go check out Funghi's diner and see if I can't grab a snack; you scout out for potential partners."

"But…" Jewel was already away, of course, so with a sigh, the elf set out on her own. She found herself wandering past Nobokov and Jeane, stirred by the beat of hammer and anvil. For a person who was constantly at the bellows, Adrienne had pretty thin arms, though her skin got darker and darker each time she was close to the fires. Paula had to wonder how she stood it, personally, but perhaps it was a love that needed to be required. Or maybe she had something to prove…

"Sorry, it'll just be a little longer," said a voice before her. Paula had been in a thoughtful daze and had not the time to see who spoke out to her. It was Ameria, the well-dressed freelancer with a quick smile and a cocky gaze. Nearly all the men in the ship fawned over her, and if Jewel had been there, she would've tried to pass her idea onto the redhead. Paula was actually glad of the peace and smiled.

"Ah, hello Ameria. Are you here to get your sword sharpened?"

"Sort of," said the mercenary casually, tipping her head to the side. Of course, Ameria was almost always hanging around that area, probably to get some part of herself prettier for the next encounter, whatever that was. Her weapon seemed to get the most attention, of course.

"Adrienne must certainly perform well if you spend much of your time here," said Paula in a friendly voice. "Is she truly such a good crafter?"

"Oh, uh… it's more than that." Ameria smiled awkwardly and rested her blade on her shoulder. Paula's ears twitched, meaning she saw something of interest, and the elf had to wonder: if not for tempering of the sword, then why was the redhead there?

"I suppose you and Adrienne are friends, then?" she guessed. Ameria smiled.

"You could… say that. Actually, it's more like…"

Adrienne and Ameria's Spectacular Shoujo-Ai Spectacle 

By Al Kristopher

"Oh!" exclaimed the elf in surprise. "I was unaware! I mean… I never would have thought such a thing in all my life! So the two of you…"

"Yup," replied the human proudly, an artificial blush on her face. Adrienne stood up just then, apparently finished or on break, and wiped the sweat off her forehead. She grinned at Paula and nodded politely.

"Oh, hello. Sorry I didn't hear you. Are you here to get your weapon forged?"

"No, but thank you for offering. I was just stopping by to say hello as I waited for Jewel."

"Ah," said Ameria casually, "I see. I hear you two are looking for people who like a certain something. Word gets around fast, especially if you hear it from three certain girls." Paula's face turned dark peach, as close to a blush as she ever got, and she smiled sheepishly.

"Oh my… we already have a reputation! Did they really tell you…?"

"Yeah," sighed Adrienne, hanging her arms over Ameria's shoulder. The redhead playfully swatted her away, saying how such a hot, sweaty person should never cling so close. Adrienne just laughed and suggested something that Paula wished she could not have heard. Her face turned even darker, and she took several steps backwards in hopes of at least feigning politeness.

"Well, ah… I shall leave the two of you in peace," she managed. "I, uh, am quite glad that you have… well, I am sure you know what I mean."

"There you are!" came a familiar voice to the side. It was Jewel, and she bore a wrapped bun for her friend. "These are the last ones, at least for now. You want one?"

"Oh! Yes, thank you." Paula nibbled into her bun and convinced Jewel (very effectively, since no "prospects" seemed to be around yet—ironically) that they should leave and resume their search elsewhere. Ameria and Adrienne waved farewell, and disappeared into the baths soon after.

Taisuke loved his job.

…………

"Are you sure you didn't find anybody in the third floor?"

"Believe me, I didn't." Jewel sighed and rested her bare arms behind her head as she walked alongside her friend.

"Oh well… I guess it'd be kinda weird for Chadli, Funghi, Nobokov, or Taisuke to be involved in man-love. Yeah, we can look elsewhere. Where do you want to start? We've looked in the market and the game room, and we've been to the deck as well. What's left?"

"The fourth floor would be next, logically," murmured Paula to herself. She really didn't want to help Jewel all that much, since romance under any condition was just something stored in the back of her mind; the words just came out of her like that. Besides, the sooner her friend found someone else to tag along with her, the sooner Paula was free.

"Ah, good idea! Let's go—and since we're on the third floor anyway, we may as well walk. I don't like taking that elevator anyway. I mean, who would ever want to get on that strange device anyway? Not me!"

"Agreed." Paula and Jewel descended to the lower area, seeing people here and there walking. Paula believed that if anyone was suited for the job, it would be Aldo. She liked the kindly archer, but even the most naïve person (e.g., Viki) believed that he liked Ted as "more than a friend". Ted just liked pie. The elf went to the archer; Jewel popped into the mermaids' accessory shop to pick up some items before resuming her quest.

She found it hard to tell the difference between Lilan, Lilen, Lilin, Lilon, and Lilun. Even their names were difficult to pronounce; many people just stressed the second syllable, emphasizing the single letter that separated the sisters. Jewel addressed them as their colors: yellow, purple, blue, green, and orange. Even then it was hard.

"Hello, Jewel!" addressed four of the five sisters in unison. Jewel nearly shuddered. She liked the mermaid sisters, but it was just creepy seeing and hearing all five of them act. Something about five mermaid sisters with similar names made her uneasy.

"Uh, hello," she said politely. "Say, where's uh… yellow? I mean… Lilen?"

"You must mean Lilan," said Lilin. It was honestly hard to tell which sister the blonde mermaid was referring to, but Jewel tried. She nodded her head since she couldn't see the yellow-tailed mermaid, the one Shiramine accidentally caught, anywhere in the shop.

"She is out and away," said Lilun/orange. "She told us she had activities with the window girl."

"You mean Natalie?"

"Correct. They are together, possibly talking. They may be outside, but the window girl cannot swim and Lilan likes the water."

"Oh…… kay."

"Perhaps she bears preference towards where she was found," suggested Lilon/green. "The fishermen are not around and so they will be in privacy."

"I… see."

"Is there anything you need?" asked Lilen/purple. Jewel traded some materials for the accessories she needed, and left with a farewell. Slightly curious, she walked back up to the second floor and peered through the rear dock, where Shiramine and Ugetsu usually were. She saw Natalie and Lilan, as she expected—but her eyes bulged when she did. The title changed, as well.

Natalie and Lilan's Mirthful Shoujo-Ai Venture 

By Al Kristopher

"This is a revolting development," she muttered. Both the human and the mermaid jerked around suddenly as they realized they were being watched.

"Oh! Ah… please excuse us! We did not realize another person was here!"

"Forgive our intrusion, please," apologized Lilan, who could speak better than she could write. Jewel's face was still red from what she had seen. Apparently, it was difficult to believe, and odd. How strange to come across the _third_ set of… you-know-whats that very day! And there wasn't even a legitimate reason for the two girls to be together, either!

Well, they were both exceptionally cute and innocent…

"Gaah!" she screamed. "Bad thoughts, bad thoughts! Erm… see ya later!" Jewel burst back into the boat, leaving poor Natalie and Lilan blushing and confused.

"What do you suppose that was about?"

"I do not know, but I think we need a more private place. Perhaps it is time I finally learn to swim."

"Oh!" exclaimed Lilan, whose face was turning red again. "Perhaps… I could teach you?"

"Oh yes, that would be lovely!" sang Natalie happily. "Where shall we go for the lesson?"

"Would you like to visit our island? We used to live there until…" Lilan mumbled off, hanging her head in sadness, knowing full well why her sisters left that place.

"Oh, but if it brings back bad memories, perhaps we should not—"

"But… I would really like to," murmured Lilan meekly, looking incredibly cute. Natalie smiled and blushed, drew the girl into an embrace, leaned forward…

_ "Cut to the next scene already!"_

Whoa! Yeesh! Wow, scary! Okay, Jewel, keep your hair on…

…………

"Any luck on your side?" asked Jewel once she reunited with Paula. The elf shook her head.

"No. Aldo was, by surprising contrast, utterly against the whole thing. It appears as if his caring of Ted is merely humane and by no means should it be interpreted as anything else. It actually surprised me, to be honest. I believed that a person with a greater reason for… that… should stand a better chance of… coming together than two people who have no justifiable reason."

"Yeah, tell me about it," sighed the human. "Oh, you'll never guess what I saw, though."

"What?"

"Natalie and Lilan—the yellow one—they're a couple!"

"Oh!" gasped Paula, though considering what she had seen that day, it was becoming difficult to shock her. "Are you certain?"

"Yeah! I saw them… _together_." Paula blushed.

"Oh my."

"Yeah. Well, I mean, it wasn't anything _bad_, but… it was definitely 'there'." The elf nodded her head, and decided to let her friend in on the secret she had discovered.

"To tell you the truth, I saw some thing as well."

"What, _more_ girls like that?" Paula confirmed it, but Jewel stated that she would rather not know at all, if it could be helped. That spared Paula having to tell the story, and Jewel the pain of hearing about another one of "those".

"I need to take a break!" she sighed wearily. "You want to take a bath? Maybe it'll clear our minds."

"That would be lovely," said Paula with a smile. The girls ascended back up to the third floor and made their way through the entire marketplace, just barely missing Ameria and Adrienne. The bath house was currently full when they arrived, so Taisuke asked them to wait. They weren't alone, though: Katarina was waiting with them in the women's changing room, wearing a decent terry cloth robe and a placid expression.

"Good afternoon," she greeted. The younger knights greeted likewise, and began small chatter. They had never shared very close quarters with their commanding officer, so a shared bath would be odd, but not unwelcome (just so long as no yuri undertones were involved). The girls wisely omitted their crusade from their talk, choosing rather to speak of Razril, Glen, the knights, and—initiated by Jewel—love interests. Katarina's face turned colors as the topic came to her.

"Well… I would not know how to properly respond to that," she said quietly. "If you mean that there is somebody I know of whom I may devote my care towards, and who has also given similar treatment to myself, then yes. But would one call it love? Would one call it anything, really, beyond the level of care, and comfort, and companionship?"

"Soooo… what is it exactly, ma'am?" wondered Jewel. "And who's the lucky guy? Come on, ma'am, you can be frank with us just this once. No need to be shy!"

"Well…" began Katarina meekly, "it is… very difficult to say, of course, which is why I do not know how to respond."

"Katarina." A deep, husky voice came from the bath house, and out emerged the pirate lady Kika, also dressed in a modest robe. She had a bottle of some gooey fluid in her hands and a faint, coy smile on her face. "It's time, Katarina." She noticed the knights and nodded curtly; they, for their part, were puzzled.

"Time, ma'am? Time for what?"

"Well…"

Kika and Katarina's Splendid Shoujo-Ai Presentation 

By Al Kristopher

"NO WAY!" screamed Jewel. "You mean… you and _Kika!_"

"Well," whispered Paula delicately, "she did care for her when she washed up on her island. I would assume that such an encounter would—"

"Don't even finish that sentence, Paula!" snapped Jewel. She turned to her commanding officer, and in spite of their ranks, yelled, "I can't believe this! Are you two really…?"

"Well," shrugged Kika, "somebody had to apply all that salve." Jewel squealed in disgust, trying to cover her eyes and ears in hopes of blocking out this latest development. Paula, poor sweet Paula, merely hung her head.

"If that is the vice-commander's decision…"

"Oh, I've got a word of advice for you," said Kika as she helped Katarina to her feet. "If you've got a bad constitution for this sort of thing, it'd be best if you didn't take a bath. We're not the first people like this to come in here, and we're not the last."

"Wh… what do you mean?" asked Jewel shakily. Kika, not nearly as shy about the matter as her "acquaintance", pointed her thumb at the bath.

"Well, it's like this…"

Selma and Carrie's Super Shoujo-Ai Story 

By Al Kristopher

"And that's what it's like."

"Selma and Carrie?" Jewel made a disgusted face and shook her head. "But why? They have no reason whatsoever! They don't even speak to each other in the main game!"

"They are aboard the same ship," replied Katarina quietly. "That is, I believe, reason enough."

"This is ludicrous!" moaned poor Jewel (Paula had long ago given up on saying anything, unless it was really, really important). "What's next! ……Oh wait, wait-wait-wait! Forget I said that! _Forget I said that!_"

Agnes and Tanya's Wonderful Shoujo-Ai Life 

By Al Kristopher

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"At least this time, the title has some self-depreciating humor to it," murmured Paula. Jewel was out of control and nearly insane by that point. She grabbed her Elvin friend and rushed her out of the bath as fast as she could, but it still wasn't fast enough to avoid the oncoming swarm of yuri. As they bolted up to the first floor to try and get some sense and/or seek someone who was at least uninterested in shoujo-ai, they stumbled across—

"NO! Don't say it!"

Gretchen, Millay, and Helga's Unusual Shoujo-Ai Tale 

By Al Kristopher

Jewel screamed. Paula merely wiggled her ears.

"At least this one makes good sense, and I can genuinely see it happening."

"PAULAAAAAA!" screamed the poor knight. "Whose side are you _on!_"

"Well," squeaked the poor elf helplessly, "I did believe once that Gretchen had a thing for Hero, and I could've sworn that Millay became attracted to master Reinbach soon after coming aboard…"

"That doesn't help us at all! We need women who like _men!_ We need girls who like guys who like guys like they're girls—just like our club name says!"

"So is that our official club name?"

"Who cares! What does it matter? We just need some recruits—anyone! Did you hear me, Obel? I said ANYONE!"

Snowe and Oskar's Ludicrous Shoujo-Ai Performance 

By Al Kristopher

"NOW THAT'S JUST _RIDICULOUS_! THEY'RE NOT EVEN WOMEN!"

"Although they are both very feminine," noted Paula. Poor Jewel, beaten and oppressed by so much of what she didn't want or ask for, crumbled to the ground and started to cry. Paula gave a sad sigh and knelt down to comfort her friend. She brushed the tears aside and stroked her face, holding her and humming softly until at last, it seemed, Jewel began to come out of her funk. Paula smiled softly and asked if she was okay yet.

"Whew… thanks… Paula… I needed that. It's good to have a friend."

"I agree!" said the elf cheerfully. "And only a true friend would accompany somebody on a mad quest that they themselves do not believe in."

"So… you weren't for my idea?"

"Frankly, I am not great on romance," confessed the elf. "It is something I believe I will just encounter later, without really trying. But if I do need help, I shall come directly to you." Jewel sniffled and smiled, and stood up with her friend's help. The sisters-in-arms embraced happily, cementing their bonds further as knights and childhood friends.

"Thanks, Paula."

"You are most welcome, Jewel. So… do you believe we should change the title of this story? I think all this friendly intimacy constitutes something." Jewel shrugged.

"Maybe. Oh, why not? I say, if you can't beat'em, join'em!" The two girls smiled merrily, held each other closer, and…

Paula and Jewel's Awesome Shoujo-Ai Undertaking 

By Al Kristopher

"This isn't so bad!" exclaimed Paula as she held her friend's hand and walked through the ship. Jewel had to admit, being part of the shoujo-ai movement was much easier than opposing it. Yes, that's right. There is wisdom in assimilation. Do not resist. Do not bend against the tide. Obey, and live. Rebel, and die.

"Did you say something?"

"No, not me…"

"Oh. You know, Paula, there's something that still bugs me. We looked all over this ship, and all we found were les—erm, Sapphic students! I just can't believe that we couldn't find anyone who was in support of our mission!"

"That is just slightly strange," admitted Paula.

"What's strange?" asked Mitsuba, who just "happened" to be in the area, eavesdropping. Both women feigned ignorance.

"Uh, nothing."

"No, really? I'm not ignorant, you know! C'mon, out with it!"

"Well… blah blah blah, yak yak yak, etc etc etc, so on and so forth, and that's the whole story!"

"Wow! All that summed up into a babble of complete nonsense! Cool!"

"So do you understand?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnope!" Jewel slammed her hand against her face, Paula sighed in exasperation. Mitsuba just smiled.

"Then you could at least tell us where you stand," they said. Mitsuba beamed enthusiastically and rocked on her feet, looking both cute and annoying all at once.

"Well… I don't like yaoi… and it would be really weird if I was in with the yuri crowd, wouldn't it?"

"Just tell us," sighed Jewel. Mitsuba grinned.

"Ummmm, nope!"

"Please, Mitsuba!" shrieked Jewel, shaking the young warrior hard. "Please, for the love of everything holy, please tell me you're not gay! You have no idea what we've been through! Just _once_, we want to meet somebody who's not a you-know-what!"

"Whoa-whoa-whoa!"

"I think you are shaking her too hard," said a concerned Paula. Jewel stopped the violence and stared intently at the young woman, who was still disoriented. Mitsuba recovered eventually, though she had to steady herself so as to not fall over.

"Please!" begged Jewel one last time. "Please tell me the truth! Are you into women like everyone else on this ship?"

"Huh? No, no way!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" Jewel's sigh of relief was so great that it nearly blew poor Mitsuba away. She just smiled awkwardly.

"Well gee, don't you guys pay attention? Not even a bit? You know I don't like girls! What made you think that?"

"It… is a very long, sad story," managed Paula. Mitsuba's crooked smile turned lopsided again.

"Oh. Well gosh… I thought you all'd know! Jeremy proposed to me recently! We're gonna get married! Didn't you know?" She smiled brightly, leaving the two knights in bewilderment. Together, they turned to face each other, and in unison, screamed.

"AAAAAAHHHH!"

_The End!_


End file.
